Wakeup.
Categorised; The Family, Contemplation, Crybaby 
January 27th, 2008 at 7:58 pm. |
Today it dawned upon me that I could have possibly been slipping back into mild depression without even realising it.
Yes, I knew I wasn’t okay, but it didn’t occur to me that it might have been more than just that.
I also realised that it is possible for me to slip into being depressed without me or the people closest to me knowing, that when they say you can feel alone even in a crowd - that’s when it starts.
It also dawned upon me that it will happen if I do not speak up, if I keep bottling up. But I also know that I do that because I don’t want to bother the busy, and that I don’t want to stress the far away.
Or perhaps I retreat into an anti-social shell that doesn’t want to go out in groups.
When this happens, I know and feel that I’m far away from so many, but yet I refuse to go out and spend time together because I want time alone. Also because I don’t feel like being all happy and chirpy, the way you should be in a group so as not to pull the moods of everyone down with you.
So I refuse to meet up in groups and I am ultra selective of who I talk to and who I meet.
(So yes, the few of you can begin feeling honoured right about now, hahaha)
Crying until I hyperventilate hasn’t happened in awhile, but I’m grateful for the release. I’m grateful for being able to sob out loud.
And for the unconditional love that allows me to say, “I’ve been upset with you for the past few weeks because…..” and knowing for certain that it will not hurt our relationship but on the contrary, pull everything back closer.
Oh God just come and heal the open wounds.. because right now they just hurt. I don’t know how such careless words can hurt so much, but God please just come and mend broken bridges, broken hearts.
God as I struggle to pull back closer to You, as I turn to You and leave everything at the cross, won’t you take my life and make it a testimony? Won’t you take me as a living sacrifice, won’t you prosper me, won’t you reveal your plans, won’t you sort all the areas of my life out for me?
and I lift my voice
to worship You
o my soul, rejoice!
Take joy, My King, in what You hear,
may it be a sweet, sweet sound
in Your ear.